This article or blog posting is intended to be silly. Since we have the threat of nukes from Russia to Ukraine, I thought about what I would do if I was at work and the nuke warning came a’buzzing on our phones.
Yes, lots and lots of other things have happened since my last post. Hurricane Ian, I did listen to the local WFLA radio on that day while at work, interesting! I wish someone recorded that! Marjorie Taylor Greene got divorced, she was the subject of Super Human Intelligence Toward Exile’s song Generation QAnon. Detroit’s FPHL team will be playing soon. What else? Heh, can’t think of it all now. Let’s move on!
At 3:30pm, I’m at work, doing my job, dealing with the foul moment and frustration of loading a rack. Then suddenly, I feel my phone jiggle, I don’t think too much of it at first but I could have sworn I heard the EAS sound. I get the job finished real quick and take a look at my phone to see, surprisingly, a nuclear bomb warning. It seems that all employees on the line are also looking at their phones and most of us stop. I see a few supervisors and higher-ups looking at their phones and each other with concern.
I sure as shit don’t wish to continue with work until we get an explanation. Doesn’t seem like I’ll be getting one, so I put my headphones on to WWJ, Detroit’s All News station. And they do confirm the nuclear bomb warning but are unsure if this is the real thing. I think to myself, “should I get the fuck outta here now?” Confused at first until I see a few people leaving the factory, with one running. I say, “Fuck this, if we are going to get nuked, I’m not dying here.”
I run into the yellow vest area without a yellow vest and head to the garage door with a few others leaving as well. We all run to our cars and drive away. I turn it on WWJ as they are talking about the nuclear warning and then an EAS alert comes on. I have this crazy thought that this might be a false alarm so I drive a little slow out of the large parking lot. Nope, the scary EAS voice does say a nuclear missile is on it’s way. Get to your nearest shelter. The voice also says text “Shelter” with my zip code to 43362 (or 4FEMA). I don’t remember the zip code of my current location, so I have to do a Google search. After that, I get out of my job’s parking lot and drive through the slow-moving traffic. I next hear the air-raid sirens.
After texting the information, 30 seconds later, I get info to go to a shelter about four miles north of me. That get’s me a little upset because I wanted something closer! But no, got to drive around brainless dummies to get my ass to that shelter before the missile comes by and destroys Detroit. On my way, I check the ol’ Twitter machine, and yes, nuclear missiles are on the way to major cities in the United States, Detroit included! Along with the #nuclearattack tweets from news and reliable sources, I see quite a lot of tweets blaming political parties and politicians.
“If Trump didn’t get the election stolen from him, this wouldn’t have happened, thanks Joe Biden!”
“We are all going to die, thanks to the Republicans!”
“This is all Trump’s fault!”
I’m on my way home and I see on occasion, people passing red lights. I think about that myself but after seeing one attempt to do so, I see a car failing at that and a horrid accident. Should I stop and take a look? See if they need help? My poor judgment says no. The light turns green and I proceed, but I’m behind a car driving 15 miles under the speed limit. Why in the fuck are people driving under the speed limit even when nukes are coming? I get around that car quickly and step on the gas.
On my way to the shelter, I encounter a two-lane road and press on making good time. Unbeknownst to me, a Ford F-250 (no insult to that model, really) driver on the opposing lane gets out his phone and decided to watch animal porno. The sick driver just loves watching a bear boink a grown man in his rear. While watching this and getting a hard-on, he begins to swerve in my lane. I go around the corner and to my surprise, he is in my lane. I honk my horn in panic and my mind can’t comprehend what to do, too late! Bam! My car rolls backward and an 18-wheeler is behind me making speed, he can’t stop either. I look back screaming, “Noooo!”
No good, my car flips a few times into a ditch. I black out, then wake up upside down with the seat belt on, both my arms broken, and my phone not within my reach. I hear the newsman on WWJ panicking saying we have 10 minutes to get to a shelter. One of the drivers comes out and asks if I’m okay. I say something along the lines of: “No, I’m not. What the hell.” He says, “Sorry man, I was watching animal porno on my phone and didn’t know I was on the opposing lane. I gotta go to the basement in my house.”
That’s just great, I’m in this predicament because some sad man got distracted watching animal porn. Here I am, in my car stuck to my seat. Can’t really move my arms, both of them are broken. Can’t reach my phone to contact family and friends to tell them goodbye. And I can’t tweet to the whole world “Your Mom’s Box.” See Opie and Anthony for details. All I can do is linger here while the man on WWJ panics and says he’s going into his shelter. Just sit and wait for the nuke.
I guess I can fry in my car. Thanks to some sad bastard who wanted to watch animal porn before it was all said and done. He got home safe to his wife he doesn’t like and after the attack, he was bummed out that AnimalPornTube is unavailable. Bad for him, I guess. Even after the world gets nuked, he just can’t watch some fat dude banging a pig.