For those few folks who have seen the website at the last week, there was a different theme/look to it. This was a WordPress theme I made in early 2019, for some reason, it’s not working well in October 2020, and therefore I came back to this original one (Silver Quantum). There was a time where I wanted it to have my theme, but I can’t get it to work.
I have a confession to make and it’s not a pleasant one. I have been passivley suicidal on and off for the past three months. It all started around 3 July 2020. I had worked everyday from 31 May 2020 to 2 July 2020 and I really wanted to enjoy that three day weekend. I got pulled over on 3 July 2020 for doing a 76 on a 55 (I thought it was a 65, but I was wrong). And on 5 July 2020, I opened my patio window door and one of the window panes busted, a victim of Spontaneous Glass Breakage. Sadly, it took my complex over three months to get the replacement glass. On 6 July 2020, I called the county in question to see what my options are with my ticket, I decided I’m going to fight it (got my notice for Dec 2020 on that).
And right after I got that out of the way, my complex informs me that they are doing lock changes on all residents with new keys and they are doing it on the same day. I had to go to work that day 12 hours (2p-2a) and I sure as shit don’t want to come home and I can’t get into my FUCKING house (or apartment, I call it my house). I called and got mad, and they scheduled it for the next day. I asked for a time, they couldn’t give me one. I really don’t need the guy to show up at 8:30am or past 1:15p when I leave for work. He showed up at 11:30a the next day, so that worked. But fuck, not on a MOMENT’S NOTICE. GOD DAMN!!
On 8 July 2020, still on the mend of being passively suicidal, I was doing a 12 hour day and at 11:35pm, my heart began to hurt and my left arm was going numb. I thought to myself, ‘I’m going to die at work? That sucks.’ I seriously thought I was having a heart attack. That wasn’t the case (or was it?) and I continued on. Sadly, I lost a distant cousin that day, he died from a Heroin Overdose. RIP Marc.
Around later that month, I had found some goodness in life despite the covid-19 running amuck and I continued on and left the passive suicidal thoughts away. As long as my complex didn’t give me a fucking notice about some changes and I had to be there in the morning or a potential “we have a problem here” moment when I reach a good spot in life. I’ve mentioned I had a “we have a problem here” moment I had in April 2019, take a look.
Then last week, as I mentioned, I did receive the glass pane for my patio (after three months, god damn!), but we did run into a “we have a problem here” moment and that pissed me off. I was about to leave my house for work at 12:55pm (wanted to grab a sub first) and I got a call from my complex. I did receive an e-mail saying they were coming on a Wednesday, possibly in the morning. But now, they say that they can come right then. I said, I’m leaving for work now, but they have permission to come in my house and get it done. Then they say they can’t do so without me there. I drive to the clubhouse and we try to work something out, I left on of my keys to the clubhouse for them to enter. But that part where they said they are coming by and then next, uh-oh, we have a problem here. FUCK!! Thankfully, everything went well and they left my key on the stairs in a small Manilla envelope.
Then this Tuesday, I receive an e-mail that they must do preventative maintenance in some areas, mine on Thursday morning (possibly). So, I inform my bosses that Wednesday Night, I will not be available for 12 hours. Let me out at 10pm. I didn’t want to go home at 2am and these folks come ringing my doorbell at 8:30am (It happened before a couple of times). All day, I waited for these folks to come by, do the maintenance, check my smoke detectors (They have three smoke detectors in my medium-sized apartment, Three? Why the fuck do we need three!? One’s fine). Anyways, I’m told later that they are coming at 2pm. I also had that thought that they may not get to it at all and move it to the next morning. So, I decided to have myself out of work at 10pm, fuming about how they can’t get to my house that morning and get this done. I had a bad feeling about something about this situation and I didn’t want to come home at 2am to see something they did wrong. It easier to deal with that at 10pm instead.
My fucking primary job is fucking pissing me off, it just seems like people on third shift at my primary job know when I have problems and I need to get home at 10pm instead of 2am.
“Oh, Robbie has problems, I’m going to call off of work. I’m special! I don’t need to work.”
On Thursday, I was asked, not once, not twice but THREE FUCKING TIMES if I can stay over. I guess multiple people called off. Now granted, we are dealing with Covid-19 (depending on when you read this) and some people can’t go to work because they got it, was in contact with somebody who had it and they can’t go to work, etc. I understand that. But, multiple people? SOMEBODY IS BULLSHITTING HERE!!!
Seriously, how the fuck do these people pay their fucking bills? You call off multiple god damn times. More than the company allows and still, THE SAME MOTHERFUCKERS ARE STILL THERE!! THE. SAME. MOTHERFUCKERS. ARE. STILL. THERE!!!! Do these fuckers get their assholes pulled out like a bloody tubesock by upper management and they turn them around to suck their own shit and the mgmt’s cum to keep their jobs??
Look, for the most part, I can work 12 hour days if provided I get some good sleep (6 hours plus) and provided that no bullshit hassles happen in my life where I require to get up early. But when they do, I swear to Joe Pesci, it seems that multiple people on the midnight shift know that I have a problem, they all call the fuck off and I get asked five fucking times If I can stay over.
“Are you really sure you can’t stay over, Robbie?”
I came home to see that a few leaves were in the hallway inside my apartment. They also didn’t connect the new smoke detector in my bedroom. Kinda wanted them NOT to do that, I already got two anyway. So, I guess that wrong I was suspecting was the leaves in the hallway. Hopefully, I don’t have the complex tell me very soon that another maintenance deal shows up and the folks in question will be there in the morning (or so they say) and I got to say, sorry, 10pm for me.
“But Robbie, four people called off.”
Man, I got to tell you. I’m so fucking sick of uncertainty. I guess we all have to deal with it in some ways. But I just can’t get the fucking balance in life. I FUCKING CAN’T. I. FUCKING. JUST. CAN’T. Before these last two days, I was venturing back to web development and also trying to troubleshoot my old Detroit WordPress template, hoping that someday, I can leave the assembly line and into a job as a Web Developer or Database Developer. With the pandemic, those chances might be a lot slim. And I quit doing Web Development and Database Development all together when I became Process Tech in June 2019.
Besides that, I just don’t fucking care to try to make that work! Why the fuck should I pursue to make myself better with this pandemic and fucking people making my life more difficult. People calling off of work because of coating of snow on the god-damn ground. My complex informing me of more maintenance deals the next morning (supposedly). My god-damn ADHD giving me some serious troubles along the way. Why the fuck should I bother anymore with creativity when some cunt has to make it more difficult on me?
I’ll say this and it will break some hearts, but I’m passively suicidal now and I really don’t fucking care (at this time) to pursue my creative passions and better myself. I don’t want to end up possibly getting that better job sitting at a desk making programs and then a few days later, “Uh-oh, we have a problem here.”
Then I’m back on the god damn assembly line with some fucking cunt on third shift calling off and once again, I’m the fucking bad guy for not wanting to stay over. I’M THE FUCKING BAD GUY!
Perhaps things will change and the frequency of problems won’t occur at a furious rate that it is now. So I can have some balance, I really need that.
And soon… Because I got to tell you folks, I have thought to myself, “I hope Covid-19 comes and kills me.”
“Hi [third shift boss], I can’t make it work, it’s snowing and I shoved a plunger up my ass. Get that asshole Robbie to fix everything for me.”
“Uh, Robbie died, we need you here. It was a lot easier when he was around to fix everything.”
“What!? Fuck, that asshole had to die and I have to work. Boo hoo hoo!“